The Prize of All Prizes

As we are rapidly propelled into what the Bible refers to as the End of this Age, (aka The Church Age/Dispensation of Grace), I can find myself easily becoming anxious when I take my eyes off of my Shepherd/Savior. Not because of the insanity and rapid escalation of biblically prophetic world events, these things actually excite me because they continue to affirm what I already know in my spirit. That the return of our King for His Bride is oh so imminent. I mean seriously at the door. The birth pangs are absolutely everywhere. Biblical prophetic fulfillment is off the charts throughout the world. The watchmen/prophet community is absolutely buzzing with an excitement I’ve never experienced before and I’ve been eagerly waiting and watching ever since I came to a believing and saving faith in Jesus.

Rather my anxiety comes from wondering if I’m doing enough to warn others about the upcoming dangers. Am I sharing my love for Jesus boldly and clearly with enough people? How many precious souls might perish, that I’ve crossed paths with, simply because I didn’t share my faith properly, if at all? Am I doing enough to prepare the people left behind when the Wedding Feast begins? Are my wedding garments even ready? What exactly are these wedding garments that are supposed to be ready anyway? You know, these types of questions. And this list is exhaustive.

As He’s stunningly good at doing, my Lover, my Lord and my Savior swoops in and rescues my heart and mind in breathtaking fashion every single time. He reminds me that I’m completely covered and carried by His blood atoning sacrificial LIFE, death, resurrection, and ascension. I’m forever and eternally yoked to Him. All the things I’m worried about are His job. My job is to stay completely yoked to Him and trust what He works out and wills in and through my life according to His good pleasure. And to obey as best I can what He asks of me.

I come from a saved by grace, and “once saved always saved” theology. And while I know these truths to be true, I also see so much room for rewards earned in heaven and unwise virgins not being allowed into the Wedding Feast because of unfilled oil lamps. I also tremble at Jesus’s very own words spoken in Matthew 7:21-23 that give me great room for pause because “not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord’, will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’ And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.’”

And once again, He comes ever so gently and whispers into my spirit (and repeatedly shouts through His word) that He is with me, for me, and forever yoked to me. We will never be apart. Never. Ever. So I’m good for the rest of my days here on earth as well as for eternity. I know this full well.

As is promised us in Acts 2:17-21 “And it shall come to pass in the last days, saith God, I will pour out of my Spirit upon all flesh; and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, and your young men shall see visions, and your old men shall dream dreams: And on my servants and on my handmaidens I will pour out in those days of my Spirit; and they shall prophesy: And I will shew wonders in heaven above, and signs in the earth beneath; blood, and fire, and vapor of smoke: The sun shall be turned into darkness, and the moon into blood, before the great and notable day of the Lord come: And it shall come to pass, that whosoever shall call on the name of the Lord shall be saved”, there are an insane amount of prophetic dreams being received, thousands upon thousands of rapture dreams recorded on platforms like YouTube, new revelations and increased knowledge just like we are promised in scripture happening to all those who have ears to hear and eyes to see. Those who hunger and thirst after truth and righteousness.

This morning I was basking in some solid biblical teaching that is new to me but is helping connect so many of the missing lines between dots that I’ve had in my theology. There were things in the Bible that no one could explain to me but now that I’ve surrounded myself with what the Bible refers to as the “wise virgins” (those looking for signs, longing for His glorious re-appearing, and waiting expectantly and with excitement) instead of the foolish ones, the amount of deep, profound and hugely significant downloads and insights I’m receiving are “off the charts”. He is speaking loudly through those hungering for Truth and those not settling for anything less than His full portion and prize. It’s an entirely different world and experience that I highly recommend for everyone seeking truth. He is definitely a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him (Hebrews 11:6).

As I was listening this morning to this 5 plus hour teaching, I constantly found myself (as is entirely normal) getting distracted and “checking out” in my mind from the teaching. Even things that I’m wanting to devour and can’t get enough of do very little to hold my ADD/wandering mind, despite my deepest longing to absorb all that is true and get this trek through my time here on earth as correctly as I’m able. Classifying myself as a procrastinating “defeated perfectionist” (one who never quite gets things done because they can’t be perfect and like I envision them) with a lack of ability to plan. I don’t have a good track record of succeeding at things on a daily basis. I’m pushing 60 this October (!!!) and I still find myself in “survival mode” mentally because of a very traumatic childhood. Between my God-given wiring, a lot of abuse and trauma as a young girl, a near-death drowning experience, and a BUNCH of bad choices throughout my almost six decades of “living”, my brain is incredibly fragmented and distracted. That said, the fact that my life and family have any traces of success comes mostly from Jim being an amazing Dad and an insanely gracious God that fills in for all our lack. The fact that our children are absolutely knocking it out of the park has so very little to do with me except that they’ve become this way because of their ADD/fragmented Momma. Who knows but they are unfathomably impressive, each in their own unique ways?

It wasn’t until several years ago that I had any idea of the effects of trauma upon a brain nor that I had even experienced any significant trauma myself (I had but that’s a whole other story!) so you can safely surmise that none of it got dealt with, only buried and supposedly forgotten. But as one phenomenal book’s title reads “The Body Keeps the Score”, my body and brain did, indeed and in fact, keep score and inflicted a lot of damage, carnage, and hurt to not only myself but to those beautiful souls entrusted to my care before I even knew I was broken. I’ve done an immense amount of healing through diligent and intentional work these last seven years or so. Thank you, Jesus.

Having had the honor and privilege (which I didn’t appreciate at the time) of growing up in a very celebrated and accomplished family, I was afforded the opportunity to mingle with and date a large number of celebrity types, famous rock stars, actors, business "hot-shots", military officers, pilots, enlisted men, bad boys, die-hard surfers all the way to full out bums. I seriously think I dated them all. Knowing from all these experiences (I’m one that has to learn by experience) I wouldn’t fit well with another soul for a lifetime, I decided and seriously wanted to stay single and travel the world with no hindrances. I wanted freedom, significance, and something more. I just didn’t know what this "more" was at the time.

After searching through every conceivable place looking throughout my teens and my early twenties, I remember almost as if it was yesterday (which is RARE for me to remember anything!) driving down to a trade show I was hosting in NC for an importing “business” I had set up in order to travel the world and pay for my travels. I use the term “business” very loosely….:)) Halfway down I-95 I heard God ask “have you seen enough?”. I replied with a desperate “yes!!!”. He said “then return to Me.” 

Having NO idea what that looked like, I returned from my trip and started attending every single church I could find that looked like “Him”. I started praying 24/7 and devouring my Bible. Being a huge fan and lover of music, I switched over to 100% worship, contemporary Christian, praise music, and any other form of “spiritual” music my musical ears and heart could stomach (there’s some BAD Christian music out there….just saying…) and I even changed the lyrics of my favorite secular songs that had even a hint of “god” in them to say what my heart wanted to say to my new found LOVE. I even have to confess to driving around with a picture of what I thought Jesus looked like framed in my car and/or in my purse everywhere I went. I was (and still am!) madly and wildly in love with this Jesus! The One for whom my soul has longed and was made for.

Trying out every church I could, I kept coming back to my parent's very dysfunctional southern Baptist church, where as “fate” would have it, my precious and amazing husband had just taken on the position of worship leader/youth pastor/outreach minister. He was fresh out of Oklahoma Baptist University and was dating a girlfriend from college. And since I had NO interest in dating again at the time (I wanted God and God alone), Jim, being faithful and loyal to his girlfriend, became a safe place for me to talk about the things of God. Jim was, and still is, the purest form of love walking on planet earth. He’s not perfect (he’s ever so close though!) but he so stunningly represents the heart of God over and for people. He loves the janitor as much as the brigadier general and growing up in a celebrated family, I didn’t always see this type of purity. My family of origin is amazing (definitely not perfect either!) but the people I was often exposed to seemed to be using others for their own personal gain. Or using others to get to know other more important people or simply get ahead. Jim just loves and keeps on loving. At the time, he had very little ambition and simply wanted to be a youth pastor/worship leader for the rest of his life. I loved this about him as it was so refreshingly different from the highly motivated/competitive upbringing I had had.

As is obvious by the fact that we’re now married, it quickly became apparent that there was going to be more to our relationship after several months of deep and profound conversations than simple friendship. Jim broke off his relationship with his old girlfriend after a few months and I invited him over for a joint birthday celebration dinner with my parents as our birthdays are only two days apart. That evening is another fun memory but one for another time.

Our dating relationship was tumultuous and seemingly long-suffering because of a rocky start Jim had with my parents. Therefore we dated for what seemed like forever! Trying to remain pure after a promiscuous past and a long engagement proved difficult but not totally impossible (if you get what I’m saying). Once we finally got the green light to proceed with our marriage, I was SOOOOO ready to get married! I didn’t care about one detail of the ceremony except for marrying Jim. My parents had told us that whatever we didn’t spend on the wedding and reception, they would give us as a cash wedding gift. Elopement here we come! But that wasn’t what we believed God wanted for us and our families as a celebration, so we set the earliest date we could find (three months out) and started planning away.

Now if you’re paying attention, you may have picked up on the small detail I implied earlier in that I’m NOT a planner. I’m a drifter and a “don’t make me commit” soul to my core. So, we set the date for our wedding and everyone else around me started planning. I just did whatever I was asked or told to do. I just wanted to get married. Thankfully, my wonderful Momma is incredibly administratively gifted and has a vast network of beautiful friendships that worked their “magic” on our shoestring budget.  Our wedding day was absolutely glorious!!! Because of my lack of attention to the wedding details, however, there were a few glitches that made the day quite memorable as well as funny (in hindsight!) but at the end of the day, we were and still are married. Period.

Fast forward to 32 years of marriage this week, I am still blissfully happily married to Jim after having weathered a lot of life, hardship, chaos, change, growth, etc. throughout these three decades. Although it’s very untrue to say I wouldn’t change a thing, because there are a zillion things I would hope to do better or even not at all. Words I wouldn’t in a thousand years hope to ever say again. And yet, Jim’s love for me is still the purest and most unconditional love I have ever experienced. His love, grace, mercy, forgiveness, kindness, and his never, ever holding the things I do wrong against me simply leads me to repentance and a deep, deep desire to do it all “right”. 

This is what I feel about my relationship with Jesus. He is the One True Lover of my soul and has allowed me to experience this life with the closest representation of Him in human form through my phenomenal husband. I married Jim, “My Prize”, here on earth and he and I are married to the Prize of all eternity, Messiah Yeshua. I don’t need fear that I won’t be prepared for my Wedding Feast with the Lamb because I won’t be simply because of who I am. And that’s completely okay because of His extravagant grace, mercy, and forgiveness. He covers me in my shame and lifts me out. He cleans and restores my soiled wedding gown. He makes me white as snow.

Bottom line, as I was listening to this teaching this morning, praising God for the faithful servants of His that are doing so much extensive attempts at “rightly dividing the Word of God” and then sharing it with me and others - and absorbing my normal small fraction of the brilliance and details these phenomenal minds around are sharing, I was reminded in my spirit of my wedding day to Jim. I was ill-prepared in terms of logistics, details, and closing the loop on certain (and important) things like confirming the videographer (who canceled the night before our wedding as a result) and checking to make sure my dress fit properly and was completed after my final fitting. It wasn’t. But, but, but….I was still chosen to be Jim’s bride. He chose me and still married me. And he still chooses me to this day. He honors me so much more than I could ever deserve. And yet I realize that Jim’s love for me in all these ways actually pales in comparison to the love, grace, forgiveness, mercy, and all good things that only can come from the Giver of such good things. 

This awareness and certainty of My Father’s love for me because of the earthly example of Jim’s love for me is no small thing that I hope never to take for granted. I am blessed and highly favored among all women. I know this fully well. 

Keep looking up for our redemption draws oh so near. Luke 21:28.